Black Everything

Earlier today, my sister and I walked past an elderly asian man with giant speckled green eyes and immediately turned to each other to say, "Man, if only we were half white..." After that moment, I felt off the rest of the day. I felt gross. I felt irrational. I felt guilt. I couldn't stop thinking about Mr. Green Eyes and the sentiment of feeling more beautiful if only I had more western features. I also felt ashamed, ashamed that my baby sister felt similarly (was this my influence?) and ashamed to be romanticizing people of mixed backgrounds. I know better.

It's especially hard on days like this when I'm reminded of my old thought process that White Is Better. Internalized racism is a prevalent issue within the Vietnamese community (and of course, many others) and also a topic I'm not used to or even like discussing due to shame and guilt. It may seem awful of me to say, but I sometimes sympathize with POC who don't seem to "get it" yet. You know, the kind of poc that like to reaffirm problematic white behavior. It took a lot of hard work to get to the point of where I am today - comfortable with who I am and damn proud to be Viet, but I cringe thinking of teenage me - a girl who let white peers get away with racist jokes and jabs, a girl who found nothing problematic with being the token POC in her social circle, a girl whose internalized racism ran so deep she didn't even realize it. And this is what I'm getting at, it continues to be an ongoing battle and a vicious cycle of self acceptance and hatred. I'm not sure if it'll ever truly get easier.

My thoughts are all over the place in this post and my outfit feels sloppy (leggings as pants? how remarkable. I AM SORRY), but I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences. I feel completely out of it because I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. On a more personal note, I anxiously waited at an Amtrak station for nearly 3 hours this morning to say hi to my partner for a whopping five minutes while his train stopped in Sacramento to let more passengers on. 5 minutes in 2 months! I'm sure some of you ladies in LDR's can commiserate.