Let's talk about dating and how terrible it can be for women of color, especially if you're a woman of color who's more into men of the vanilla variety. I blame this lust for white flesh on the Backstreet Boys, it all started with those five singing white boys. Oh, and Eminem. Anyway my dearly departed husband was white (and Mexican and Turkish) but he was a rare breed. Death sucks but one bittersweet thing about it is you find things you hadn't seen in a long time--things long forgotten--like a paper he wrote when he was a freshman in college in which he acknowledged the privilege he had as a straight white male and I swooned all over again. See what I mean when I say rare breed? So yeah, if you're still stuck on the “dearly departed” thing, the backstory is he was killed a year ago and I'm still devastated, therapy, etc. (I'm literally a black widow, y'all.) I remember thinking “I'll never find love again, who's gonna love me now, I'll never get to a place where I even wanna allow someone into my heart like that” but I got there a few months ago. I don't think I sat down and had a talk with myself about it, I just signed up for a dating site and bugged the hell out of my WoC friends (who've been amazing, bless you ladies).
Before I bore you with this next paragraph, can I just say kudos to you guys with this online dating shit because holy crap is it hard. I was already kinda prepared but whoa, it's even beastlier than I thought it would be. My husband and I got together in 2002 and were attached at the hip immediately; I mean, I knew I loved him (no Savage Garden) two weeks into the relationship and it never felt like dating to me, we were ~one~ But yeah, cut to 2012, he dies and 2013 I'm standing in front of this behemoth known as “dating” and its equally terrifying cousin “online dating” and you've got a scared Dani. “So tell us about yourself”/“Let someone know why they should message you”/“Describe yourself in less than 100 words, cite references, MLA style” and I'm like wut? I just wanna findRyan Gosling Orlando Bloom a cute guy who's nice with good hygiene and a job that also won't fetishize me. And the whole thing screams "interview" and I HATE those things. And resumes a.k.a. your dating profile. You go on a date and tell them all your good points in the hopes that you'll get a call back or second date. The whole thing is nauseating, I just wanna skip to the end when I'm in a stable relationship but alas I cannot.
So yeah, I fill out the stupid info, upload a cute enough photo of myself and then what? Wait? I got no patience and I hate waiting (clap your hands say yeah if you correctly guessed what song that's from). Fine, I'll wait. Well, maybe I won't. Oh how nail biting! You know what though, I've been on a few dates and had my feelings hurt but I'm still trucking along. Like a good little engine. Or an idiot. Dating is hard, did I say that yet? And let's take a second to imagine how easy it is to date for white women? I know they get their share of assholes because I've seen the Tumblrs dedicated to jerky messages but come on those girls are the ideal. From birth, they (and we) are reared to believe they are IT, the holy grail, the be-all and end-all of women. White is right, we've seen the bleaching ads and dealt with the self hatred of wanting to be lighter and having manageable hair. They can search for anyone and get anyone from any race because having a white girl on your arm is the goal, especially for some men of color. We get “fierce” and “werk it girl,” they get "stunning," "gorgeous," "jaw droppingly beautiful." We get “I've never fucked a [insert non-white whatever] girl before,” they get "stunning," "gorgeous," "jaw droppingly beautiful." And another thing about this shit is if I find a dude who isn't out to fulfill some black girl fetish, I have to worry about whether or not his family will accept me. My in-laws were amazing about this and never had an issue with my husband and I being an interracial couple but not everyone is as cool and open.
Deep sigh. You know what, I'll just eat pizza, pizza never lets me down.
(And don't get mad, white feminists. But hey, if you write an angry article about it, you can get tons of mileage and maybe end up on Anderson Cooper or become Tumblr famous for a day.)Before I bore you with this next paragraph, can I just say kudos to you guys with this online dating shit because holy crap is it hard. I was already kinda prepared but whoa, it's even beastlier than I thought it would be. My husband and I got together in 2002 and were attached at the hip immediately; I mean, I knew I loved him (no Savage Garden) two weeks into the relationship and it never felt like dating to me, we were ~one~ But yeah, cut to 2012, he dies and 2013 I'm standing in front of this behemoth known as “dating” and its equally terrifying cousin “online dating” and you've got a scared Dani. “So tell us about yourself”/“Let someone know why they should message you”/“Describe yourself in less than 100 words, cite references, MLA style” and I'm like wut? I just wanna find
So yeah, I fill out the stupid info, upload a cute enough photo of myself and then what? Wait? I got no patience and I hate waiting (clap your hands say yeah if you correctly guessed what song that's from). Fine, I'll wait. Well, maybe I won't. Oh how nail biting! You know what though, I've been on a few dates and had my feelings hurt but I'm still trucking along. Like a good little engine. Or an idiot. Dating is hard, did I say that yet? And let's take a second to imagine how easy it is to date for white women? I know they get their share of assholes because I've seen the Tumblrs dedicated to jerky messages but come on those girls are the ideal. From birth, they (and we) are reared to believe they are IT, the holy grail, the be-all and end-all of women. White is right, we've seen the bleaching ads and dealt with the self hatred of wanting to be lighter and having manageable hair. They can search for anyone and get anyone from any race because having a white girl on your arm is the goal, especially for some men of color. We get “fierce” and “werk it girl,” they get "stunning," "gorgeous," "jaw droppingly beautiful." We get “I've never fucked a [insert non-white whatever] girl before,” they get "stunning," "gorgeous," "jaw droppingly beautiful." And another thing about this shit is if I find a dude who isn't out to fulfill some black girl fetish, I have to worry about whether or not his family will accept me. My in-laws were amazing about this and never had an issue with my husband and I being an interracial couple but not everyone is as cool and open.
Deep sigh. You know what, I'll just eat pizza, pizza never lets me down.
Dani O is a new guest contributor to Within Color. Welcome!
