Dress: Forever 21 / Belt: Necessary Clothing / Flats: Zara / Lipstick: NARS Heat Wave
It doesn't exactly scream "carefree summer," but I was really just kind of aiming for "work appropriate and sufficiently stretchy." At this point I'm starting to feel like I'm taking you guys on a trip through Val's Favorite Black Articles of Clothing and Animal Print Accessories, to be quite honest. Once upon a time, I ran another (now defunct) fashion blog. At the time, I wore semi-obnoxious pieces every day and I loved it. Electric blue tank tops, watercolor print skirts, a whole lotta everything -- I didn't necessarily take it to gold lamé jumpsuit levels, but if it was an affront to your aesthetic sensibilities, I probably loved it. My style is still growing and changing, naturally, yet I still gravitate towards statement pieces, but a lot of my confidence has waned over the last couple of years for a couple of reasons.
I know I promised a Serious Post and this won't be as serious as it could be and it also isn't necessarily going to be one centered on race or ethnicity, although those certainly play a part. It's still hard for me to write about this stuff so publicly, but I'm considering it part of my self-care.
Consider this a trigger warning as the second half of this post talks about self-perception and body image. There are no numbers (regarding weight) or specific details regarding eating habits, but the rest of the post will be under a cut, just in case.
Reasons I Second Guess What I Wear and How I Wear It --
1. Body Image Issues: With the exception of a few relatively brief spurts throughout my life, I have always been overweight/plus-size/fat. Those three are not all necessarily synonymous (and I should note that I do not believe being any of those three things equates "unhealthiness") and they are not bad things, although Western standards of beauty beg to differ. Several years ago, I lost a large amount of weight. I am presently not at that weight. I have done an okay job maintaining, but as I've settled into my current state (I say settled because my body feels fairly comfortable at this weight), I'm in this awkward situation in which I can't really wear all of the things I used to because I don't fit in them (and putting together an entirely new wardrobe is out of the question because I will never again find some of my favorite pieces that I currently own, plus, you know, it wouldn't come cheaply), but also feeling like I've let myself down. There are all kinds of reasons as to why I feel that I've "let myself down," a big one being Western standards of beauty dictate what body shape, size, weight, hair, eye shape, complexion, etc. is or should be considered attractive and I have distanced myself even further from that. It's terrifying how deeply these ideas are internalized, even when you don't want them to be.
2. Hypersexualization of Women of Color: Fun Fact -- I am Latina. Like many other Latinas (and other Women of Color of various ethnicities), I have encountered a lot of exoticization. You know, we just caaaaan't go anywhere/do anything/wear anything/generally exist without being all ~caliente~ about it, you know what I'm sayin'? Of course, there is a fair amount of backlash regarding our bodies and the physical features that we sometimes possess. For instance, in Harmony Korine's "Spring Breakers," the depiction of the bodies of the WoC was completely over-the-top in its sexualization, but was also intended to ignite revulsion at the sight of fuller physiques and to provide stark contrast to the more """delicate""" and """desirable""" bodies of the non-PoC characters in the film. That being said, there are a lot of (ignorant) opinions out there regarding what a woman with a certain shape should or should not wear -- one being that trends or outfits that might look """chic""" on a more conventionally accepted body would be just too """vulgar""" on others. This led to a horrible ingrained awareness of how my body looked all the time and it just made me wish I could throw something on without thinking twice about how I looked in it. For me, a lot of my comfort with trying out trends during the time that I was at my smallest was this paradoxical clusterfuck -- the more slender I was, the more closely I aligned with Western standards of beauty (on paper), but seeing that I presented as ethnic anyway, being more petite didn't catapult me out of "pretty for a Latina" and into Standard Pretty, it only gave me a bizarre invisibility, in a way. I felt that my physical presence was overlooked a little more easily for the first time in my life. I took chances with my clothes because nobody cared that I took them, if that makes any sense. Now I find myself in a different place physically and I'm not quite sure how to move forward.
This should go without saying, but my experiences and opinions are not a monolithic representation of the relationships that Women of Color have with their bodies. This is not necessarily a nuanced analysis of why I feel these feelings. Everybody's got their baggage and I'm really excited to continue unpacking mine, but I want to hear your perspectives. Not with regard to my body, of course, but how race and ethnicity influence your personal perspectives on yours.
